Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.