Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.