5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.