Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.