DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.