[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
three things we don’t talk about
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?