Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Twitter fine art
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged