[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.