i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.