So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they鈥檇 come do mine also.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Saw Les Mis茅rables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That鈥檚 not gonna fit, it鈥檚 way too big.
H: You鈥檝e said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad鈥檚 feud
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don鈥檛 have any junk food in the house.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it鈥檚 just never gonna work.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.