He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
#Caturday
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5