[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget