Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
“TGIM!” – My liver
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.