Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
OH. COME. ON.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.