I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.