The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
You Might Also Like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”