Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Alexa; make it look like an accident