School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
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If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*