My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.