Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.