The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another