craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.