Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
You Might Also Like
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
This trial is so absurd 😭
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
This kid is going places
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.