If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Mmmm canned fish.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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