Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.