They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?