4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*