If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach