My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO