My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
This is true.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please