They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem