*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.