*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.