*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
HERE’S MARKY
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.