My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
You Might Also Like
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
📽️movie date🎞️
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE