Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Teach your children to beatbox
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
i hope my email finds you on fire