Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane