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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
*exercises sarcastically*
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Meow?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*