It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
meanwhile over on facebook
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes