Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
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My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
english majors be like furthermore
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️