“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.