I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.