Terribly Tuesday.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Cartman: Respect my
a a
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.