Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”