ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
You Might Also Like
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076