“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”