“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
my first day as a raccoon
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
technically true but not a great slogan
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.