Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I feel this so hard
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling