Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.