Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
You Might Also Like
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.